Heartbroken — Or Just Hungry?

Breakups don’t have to leave you broken.

Life is messy. No matter how neatly we think plan it, reality can barge in and wreck the place. My happily ever after was decimated nearly nine years ago when my husband died suddenly. His traumatic exit kneecapped me, so, yes, life is indeed messy and unpredictable.  In the aftermath first few years, I just tried to find my way back to normalcy, whatever that is. I leaned on friends — and then on written words. My blog ‘Write Brain Widow’ became my therapy. Though I had a good game face, it was clear I still had miles of widows’ weeds to slog through without losing my mind or sense of humor. What began as self-help, became my voice as well.

Four years later, I realized I still had a heck of a lot to say — but needed a wider berth to say it in.  While we never forget grief or those who installed it, at some point we need to graduate and spread our wings again. Reinvention never gets easier. To help download the 2.0 version of myself, I started “The Other Shoe’ blog. The name seemed a good metaphor for my life.

As words poured out again on the digital page, I was in the middle of an internal maze with no real idea of the end game or exit. I realized I still missed my matching puzzle piece. Ying to my Yang, my spouse/business partner could kick me out of creative slumps — or annoy me until I did. Who knew, that with always something to say in an insistently crazier world, I’d actually be at a loss for words!

But, I was.  Profoundly.

Hiding in my own space while changing in so many ways, feelings and issues felt too private to share publicly. Barely growing into them myself, I was deactivating in another area of Oz. Only now have I realized it was time to put my goggles on, take a deep breath and jump back into the pool. I don’t know yet if I’m just treading water – or actually making headway toward the deep end, but I’m trusting you’ll tell me.

Two years ago, I’d finally arrived in a pretty good place. Not quite the proverbial Taj Mahal, but decent enough to settle back into my semi-confident, usually optimistic self. I was actually minding my own damn business when the universe decided to bring someone I once cared for very much back into my life. Decades earlier, divorced boy met divorced girl, fell in love, and broke up. In the ensuing years, one of us lived very happily alone; the other very happily married. Believing we were handed a miraculous second chance, we feel headfirst in love again.

Unfortunately, sometimes the very same things that split you the first time, find you again. In our case, after the first year dopamine high, realism began to insinuate itself. Issues I thought were long outgrown, sadly were still alive and well.

Unfortunately, our relationship wasn’t.

No matter how we much we want it to be, sometimes love is not enough. No matter how you much patience you hold, acceptance you bring or how much you learn, it takes two to tango —or at least partner up on the dance floor. At the end of the day, all any of us want is to be heard, held, and seen. 

I never expected to reboot heartbreak or that ‘happily ever after’, round two was not in the cards. But, sometimes the past isn’t meant to be the future. When we haven’t learned the lessons, we have to keep taking the class until we do. Life is one big learning experience and some things will always be true:

• You deserve more than bare minimum. Don’t settle for less.

• If you lose yourself in a relationship, it’s the wrong relationship.

• Nobody’s perfect. They just need to be perfect for you.

• The biggest thing to invest in a relationship — is time.

• You can’t lose someone who doesn’t feel lucky to have you.

• Everyone has baggage, but small carryons are an easier lift.

But, this is less about recounting a fairytale that wasn’t, than it is about hope, humor and swimming through life’s hard knocks. It’s not about blighted love or another broken heart. Crappy things happen and fairy tales are often written by Grimm. Having already won a widow lottery, no ‘breakup’ could ever leave me broken in the same way again. I may be alone for the years ahead; or I might not. I might have reached my limit on broken dreams but if my heart is open, I know a bulldozer can always find a way in. Still, all any of us can do is keep at the game of life, even when we don’t feel like playing. Because, if you don’t believe in yourself and the blessings already in your life, your ability to sink or swim may always find you at the bottom of the pool looking up.

I’ve had my version of Prince Charming and though he exists now only in memories, I’m grateful they are pretty damn good ones. I’m still a believer. I still love hard, painful as that can often be. I still have all the feels and I’m not sitting in a corner with my thumb in my mouth. I know there’s still life after traumatic loss, no matter which avenue it takes, even if it’s a temporary dead end. For every person who’s been at the bottom of loss, you will find love again, even if it’s finally falling in love with yourself. So, open that big heart of yours, even if it means getting it broken a bit, because it also means you’re alive.  

We all have stories and mine are neither unusual nor technicolor blockbusters. All I can hope is whatever I share sparks a continuing conversation, one that that invites ideas, opinions and discussion. So, if you’re not bored, I’ll try to keep the words coming this time, even the not-so-happy, pretty or private ones.

To be continued.